Blasting My Self Toward The Future. I Swear I Wont Fail This Time!!!

I am trying to write something serious here, but don’t know…it seem my brain isn’t really on my long miss poetic ~ writing mode. I sure hope I can write like Hakim, (his blog at vox is superb) or to write creatively like anThea (with all those capital, colorful bold words) but I guess her style isn’t really me…. Argh, what the hell, this is me… why trying to become someone else when I can be more with my own self?

So maybe I should shut up and write the things necessary now…

I will turn 18 next month. This very important date falls on the 29^th of July. 18 years old…damn, I am getting older but 18 years is still young…it’s too young. Sure hope and pray that my life will be more than just 18 as there are many things I wanted to do, that I wanted to achieve… 18 years is not enough.

So maybe I should thank God for not taking my life just yet…because I had this strange feeling that I maybe my life will be shortened half and I shall die in 3-5 more years. Heh…I know it’s stupid. But never mind, perhaps it is just some stray thoughts, at this point of life I had become someone who doesn’t really care about God’s plan for me anymore cause even when He yelled it to me (unlikely) I don’t think I will ever understand what he meant for me. My spiritual and divine connection to Heaven had been strained, and seems my anger and deep animosity towards simplicity of this life, this flawed creations and this so unfair and unjust world are causing me for a direct collision course to Hell.

Hell, yeah, well…if I die suddenly now, the sins I’ve committed are more than sufficient. Haha. But what the hell. I don’t know, maybe I do deserved this nightmare fate…just one thing I pray, when I die I wanted to know that there will be no more regrets that I will leave this Earth in a regal manner , someone who had manage to life an accomplished well done successful life. That’s all.

My plan in this life is simple, I will now study hard and smart, get a great awesome result for STPM, marry the girl I love now, or who ever it’s going to be as long as she is the “right one” for me, have at least 3 children, perhaps the first one will be a male, the second one a girl and the third is another male. At least I will name my daughter as Aerith or Arielle or Aeriss.

Get a decent job at first as a business man, become good at stock investment. Become rich and by the age of 35 become filthy rich and like how Jonathan had planned, I too wanted to become a millionaire. Multi-Millionaire would be okay too…at least I will I must get a hold of USD 1 million by the age 35. If my parents are still alive at that time (hopefully) I’ll build a nice medium size bungalow somewhere private and peaceful for them. There will be a lake. A nice comfy garden or a place for them to plant something…

As for me, hmm, it would be nice when I manage to build my dream mansion like those rich people has in those TV show. I will drive a nice eco friendly and perhaps a hybrid car that doesn’t run on petrol.

I will raise my children as how I wanted to be raised. I will give them the love and attention I didn’t get. I won’t spoil them like how rich kids are being raised now…so that no one will ever call them “anak orang kaya” temberang. If they wanted something, I will encourage them to work hard and then they are successful I will reward them handsomely. Religion education will be primary and stressed upon them. As I understand, like how I will treat her or my future bride, I sure hope my son will respect girls and to fool around with them and as for my daughter, I sure when they fell in love, they wont “surrender” their virginity to just some “wrong” guys. (I understand how a father would feels.)

So maybe, when they are successful in their live, my kids will be just fine as I know the day the left my wing, I know they are ready for this world.

Ahh..Nice, then maybe should I retire early, I should take my wife to travel this world. I always wanted to visit Europe and pretty much of Asia. I had this dream of visiting as much nice medieval castle, palace as I can in Europe…erm mmm. Life should be like this.

Then maybe on Christmas I shall invite Rachel, An, Lorenzo, Diniy or Anugera and some other friends to come over for this big Christmas party, I always wanted to place some snow inside my mansion lobby, the kids could run and fool around there, nice…

Erm, ya well, Lorenzo could come over any time, if I shall remain in Sabah or he should return here someday. Diniy too. Jonathan too…maybe had a cup of tea or coffee, dinner, cards or golf at the course at the back of my mansion. Erm, seem funs to be rich. Then perhaps I shall reminiscent the good old days back at school, remember the fateful Lencana Ekspedisi trip where maybe one of my friends could retell it to my kids and they will go like “Wah, daddy so brave..(but so stupid also ni)”. Wahahaha. Erm. …

Then I will watch my kids got married, I will say something like “You hurt my daughter I will kill you. You better take care of her” if Aerith/Aeriss/Arielle get married and maybe said something like this to my son “Wah, pandai betul ko cari bini ko a, best la ko ni tiap-tiap malam”

Then, my kids will have their own kids and maybe when age finally catch up with me, I will spend most of my day praying thanking God, write some nice novels, do something good for this beloved country Malaysia and when the day finally come I will leave everything I have to my family.

Then in the event of my demise, I will see my family sees me leaving knowing that I truly love them, and if my wife would be , (or who ever she is) I wanted her to know that I love her for the rest of time, that I will see her someday and that she made my soul, my life complete.

I shall die knowing that I leave everything in place prepared, that there will be nothing left for me to regret that I shall die completely satisfied with this life and I smile thinking “This is the best thing ever, thank you Jesus, now I shall come to you” and rest for some more time and see what the next life have to offer me.

‘This is how I wanted my life to be. This is how my life should be…after so many things that happened to me. God I will keep my words. I have fought for you and bleed and cried for you. Now that I see even the faintest light of hope to carry on, I will take my risk I shall carry on this life no matter what happened in honor for those that already left me. So please bless me and keep your words”

Hmm, nice…I shall fight for these to come true.

But now, back to reality, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOON TO BE TO ME, .

STPM will be a harrowing hell for me, I know but what the hell, I am fighting to rise again and by god damnation I shall thrive upon my enemies and I will change and set things right. God will bless me and Jesus shall fight alongside me. I am changing my self.

I know this time would be so much more different. I only hope Heaven will be on me on my crusade against my personal Hell. Erm, it will take great courage and raging determination to go through all this and by my name and blood rights I shall do it! Hmm, I think I can apply the same ‘formulae’ : If I am able to generate enough devastating anger-hatred-animosity only by remembering that I (used to) hate everything in God’s universe and then channel them all out through my eyes and heart, I can do the same with determination by remembering there is more for me in this world and they are all mine to grab, that I can be more than this sore looser, I know I will burn so intense with determination that even Admath for SPM would be an A1!!!

So many things to do…so little time. Though it’s nice to write these things where I normally don’t say it to anyone. I guess it will be all now.

P/S: Sial, kenapa saya rasa macam kamu yang baca mo ketawa jak bila baca benda serious ni???